Broke my own heart … again!

It is not easy to be open to life and protect oneself from heartaches, because I wouldn’t be
human if I could love without expectations and give without wanting! And that is how it
came to be, the end of my beginning with Edward Frankle !
We met several times, for meals and coffees! I invited him over and cooked him meals, and
on his part, he never said no, even broke the COVID curfew once and came to see me! He seemed to enjoy my company! The nurturer that I am, I think I encouraged his inner child, as he shared mid night texts about his sports wins
and the random new hobbies he developed and left!
He added me on his social media, stalked me on insta and we even car pooled to work! And
just when I thought we were going okay, it changed! I don’t know if it was the fact that I can give but struggle to accept, want to know more but wont share, or if it was just the plain old
he is just not that into me! But one day after we car pooled, he just stopped interacting.

I ended up breaking this little blue heart of mine before it could be whole again from the last rejection! I have cried many nights now, wondering what I did or said, or didn’t do
or didn’t say, but as my very wise and beautiful friend says all the time – you can never put
yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can just do what you think is best for you!

So, I did! I made a promise to myself to live an honest life, make vulnerability my strength
and always speak my mind! So, I told Edward I was going to stop being the one taking initiative
and he can lead me on from here! I was expecting that he would see the turmoil in my heart as I struggled with my ego and my unstated expectations from him! Edward on his part, true to his aloof, detached nature, decided not to respond to me on that text and we left it at that. If I message him, he will send me something sweet, but gone are the days when I would hear from him all hours of the day!

It’s just another heartbreak and has nothing on the last one when my husband of 12 years
just decided I was a rebound! But damn! It hurts just the same!
I went into work a week after all this, we passed each other a couple of times, and I was
so embarrassed for having opened myself up to this lovely, mysterious man who never
made any promises, was always a gentleman to me and never crossed any lines he didn’t
intend to commit to, that I couldn’t even make eye contact!

Of all the heartbreak, the rejection, and the unanswered questions, what makes me saddest
is the loss of the friendship we had.
It was so comfortable and happy and simple! I will miss his quiet, unassuming ways, his
beautiful smile!

I will miss playing chess with him, and most of all I will miss his midnight texts declaring his wins at sports to me, because he felt I cared!

While I heal my broken heart, putting more band aids over the tattered ones, I know one
thing for sure though, this will not put me off from being my whole self! I will still always
connect with people with my whole mind and soul! I will seek wholesome connections and I
will love and give without prejudice!

Falls will not stop me from running and heartbreaks will not stop me from feeling all I can while I am alive!