Growing pains in my 40’s

I feel a lot happier today! After a really long time, it feels like a weight is lifted! All it took was a change in outlook.

Getting back into running helped clear the fog and remind me that I am more than just a lonely woman!

It made me remember all that I have, that I worked hard to get, and I genuinely felt grateful for having it all after quite a while!

I sat alone for a long time under the sun a couple of days ago as I watched this couple standing on the cross roads, caressing each other’s shoulders with so much love that the kiss they shared after seemed to lack in passion in comparison!

Sat some more as another woman sat on the same bench next to me, lost in her phone, smoking a cigarette, seemingly content!

Everyone around seemed to have their own perfect life which was imperfect from someone else’s point of view! The woman kissing that man did not seem worried that their kiss wasn’t what one could hashtag about, and the young lady next to me didn’t seem to care that she was alone on a beautiful sunny afternoon!

And then it occurred to me, the realisation that somewhere along the way over the last few months, I had become this person who expects from the world, and I was getting more miserable by the day!

That is not my natural form, I am a giver, not a taker! I am an empath who wears her heart on her sleeve, happily sharing myself with the beautiful people I connect with!

I thought of all the friends I have and of how they absolutely love me and would be there for me in a heartbeat, but I don’t call on them!

Because I am enough for me!

Infact I am so much that I always want to share, to spread happiness and bloom in the warmth I spread!

This thought stayed with me for a couple of days and I think the relief of finally letting go of any expectations from anyone took such a weight off, that I slept for 8 hours straight, 2 days in a row!

That’s more than I would usually sleep in a whole week!

So I woke up today, happy with myself, just how I am, accepting that just because I am in love with Edward, doesn’t mean he needs to be! And it also doesn’t mean that I get to build expectations and draw lines in this undefined relationship we have!

Whilst it might be too late to hope that we can go back to that undefined connection we share, where he makes me feel safe, comfortable and warm by just being there, sitting next to me, chattering away about his sports adventures, &, I nurture his insecure little-boy heart; I could atleast let him know that I saw the fault in my ways when I told him he needed to pay more attention!

So, I sent him a kind of an apology, letting him know I value him, a friend who accepts me how I am, with all my weirdness and all!

Most days I would exhaust myself by overthinking his response or lack thereof, this was just me telling him, I acknowledge I have been unfair, and I still value the light he brings into my life!

But I have no expectations, I don’t care if he replies or not! Just the feeling of not having expectations has shut down my overthinking mind, and the relief I feel is second only to the sweet exhaustion after a long run!

Now when I see him next, my heart wont hurt, because I don’t need his validation, and my smile will be intact, and I hope I won’t feel those butterflies I feel in my stomach each time he looks at me, and I will be able to say “hello” like a grown up! Well one can hope 😉


Broke my own heart … again!

It is not easy to be open to life and protect oneself from heartaches, because I wouldn’t be
human if I could love without expectations and give without wanting! And that is how it
came to be, the end of my beginning with Edward Frankle !
We met several times, for meals and coffees! I invited him over and cooked him meals, and
on his part, he never said no, even broke the COVID curfew once and came to see me! He seemed to enjoy my company! The nurturer that I am, I think I encouraged his inner child, as he shared mid night texts about his sports wins
and the random new hobbies he developed and left!
He added me on his social media, stalked me on insta and we even car pooled to work! And
just when I thought we were going okay, it changed! I don’t know if it was the fact that I can give but struggle to accept, want to know more but wont share, or if it was just the plain old
he is just not that into me! But one day after we car pooled, he just stopped interacting.

I ended up breaking this little blue heart of mine before it could be whole again from the last rejection! I have cried many nights now, wondering what I did or said, or didn’t do
or didn’t say, but as my very wise and beautiful friend says all the time – you can never put
yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can just do what you think is best for you

So, I did! I made a promise to myself to live an honest life, make vulnerability my strength
and always speak my mind! So, I told Edward I was going to stop being the one taking initiative
and he can lead me on from here! I was expecting that he would see the turmoil in my heart as I struggled with my ego and my unstated expectations from him! Edward on his part, true to his aloof, detached nature, decided not to respond to me on that text and we left it at that. If I message him, he will send me something sweet, but gone are the days when I would hear from him all hours of the day!

It’s just another heartbreak and has nothing on the last one when my husband of 12 years
just decided I was a rebound! But damn! It hurts just the same!
I went into work a week after all this, we passed each other a couple of times, and I was
so embarrassed for having opened myself up to this lovely, mysterious man who never
made any promises, was always a gentleman to me and never crossed any lines he didn’t
intend to commit to, that I couldn’t even make eye contact!

Of all the heartbreak, the rejection, and the unanswered questions, what makes me saddest
is the loss of the friendship we had.
It was so comfortable and happy and simple! I will miss his quiet, unassuming ways, his
beautiful smile!

I will miss playing chess with him, and most of all I will miss his midnight texts declaring his wins at sports to me, because he felt I cared!

While I heal my broken heart, putting more band aids over the tattered ones, I know one
thing for sure though, this will not put me off from being my whole self! I will still always
connect with people with my whole mind and soul! I will seek wholesome connections and I
will love and give without prejudice!

Falls will not stop me from running and heartbreaks will not stop me from feeling all I can while I am alive!


My Year of Firsts!

Woke up to the realisation that today marks one year of being single for me!

Life has been absolutely unpredictable, and I have kept my seatbelt on for the ride! Here are some of my firsts:

Learned to live alone 🤟🏽

Wept so much my soul ached and my bones hurt 🎭

Improved my running pace to under 6mins 🏃🏽‍♀️

Learned to love living alone 🤟🏽💓

Slept alone in my humongous bed 🛏

Did my first IKEA assembly, that’s still going strong 💪

Learned to love sleeping alone in my humongous bed 🛌

Decided to have meaningless sex with 10 men within a year 🤪🙊

Ran so much I got plantar fasciitis 🦶

Learned to use a spanner🔧

Dipped my toes into the murky water that is online dating 🍷

Learnt to be okay with being absolutely alone 🙅🏽‍♀️

Started writing a blog✍️

Asked a guy out for coffee 🤷🏽‍♀️

Survived my Christmas Day without family 🎄

Went on a few coffee dates ☕️

Did not have any sex, meaningless or otherwise for the whole year 🙆🏽‍♀️😅

Learned to love myself without prejudice ❤️

Found compassion in places I never thought I would 👯‍♀️👯‍♂️👫

Accepted that I am wired to nurture 💕

Thought I had learnt to love living alone, but the journey has just started ➰👣

Learned to accept failure and heartache (again)! 😏🙄

Learned to laugh at myself 😂

Discovered the power of speaking my mind 📡

Learned that vulnerability is my strength 🦹🏽‍♀️

Learned that I can control nothing but my reactions ☔️

Hurt my knee & broke my own heart 💔🩹

Learning to roll with life, because it never goes to plan anyway 🌪 🤘🏽


Get into Bunnings ladies!

Disclaimer – This blog post represents my inabilities to understand anything tools of trade and is not meant to be a view of women in general. I know some really cool tradeswomen who are still trying to educate me on the difference between a socket wrench and a torque wrench! All power to these women who ace power tools!

Its been almost a year since the separation, and I have been procrastinating buying tools and other handy(wo)man stuff that one needs around the house. Besides, I hate buying practical, useful things, it is so boring and taxing for my poor soul! But there are cobwebs on the walls and the windowpanes need a wash, so yesterday I went to Bunnings to buy a list of items the house desperately needs. I was in my faded shorts and a tee and did not even bother to change out of my thongs! But it is Bunnings, so dress code isn’t a priority!

It was a very overwhelming trip as I walked aisle to aisle, looking for the mundane items on my list!

Whilst in the tools section, where I probably looked like a total tool searching for a right angle corner clamp I needed to fix the ply that’s coming off the cornices in my kitchen, this man walked by and I just did my usual smile and hey! He then came back and said – “I am not following you around by the way, I have legitimate reason to be in the sections you are visiting”. That made me giggle, because until then I had not even noticed that he may or may not have been in the same aisles as me. So, I just said “That’s fine, I will let you follow me around if you help me find a right-angle corner clip”. That got me a strange look and led to a discussion on whether I even needed that item. We ended up getting me nails and a hammer to do the job instead. He then asked me if I would like to get a coffee! And because I am never not awkward, I blurted out, “Yeah, it would be great, but I have already had a coffee!” Great way to kill a potential hook up, I know! So that was that, and the lovely man said goodbye and left.

Then off I went to find myself some pliers and precision screwdrivers, which took another hour to find because there are so many options! I was about to have a panic attack when my rescuer – a very attractive man with the most beautiful green eyes grinned at me and asked what I was looking for because it looked like I was making a life and death decision standing there!

Well sir! It did feel like I was going to go into a coma from looking for a set of precision screwdrivers! We got chatting about my needs (tools, although I would have happily discussed my other needs with this attractive man), and he helped me pick the Stanley 66-052 6 pce Precision Screwdriver Set. We got talking about what we each did for a living. On dating sites, I normally tell men I work in a call centre, because I have found telling them I am a Strategist does not get me any points. My dating profiles literally say, “I get by”!

But I just told this lovely man – Tim, what I do for work, he told me he is a CEO of some construction company and we shared stories about goal setting and challenges COVID had caused for leaders in every single business in regards to future proofing and capital preservation. He asked me if I would perhaps offer him some advice on writing his strategic plan over coffee and took my number! It was not lost on me that he did not really need my help, but it is very hard to say no to a beautiful man who looks at you with such earnest brilliant green eyes pretending to need your help! So, I am looking forward to a strategy over coffee meeting with a handsome stranger I met at Bunnings!

Then on my way out as I carried a step ladder on my shoulder and a telescopic mop in the other hand to the car, another man stopped by to chit chat and asked me if I needed a hand putting my, erm mop in the car… and we chatted about what my plans for the rest of the day were and if I really wasn’t so exhausted from the overwhelming shopping day at a hardware store, I would probably have taken him up on his offer to buy me a coffee because as he put it, – I looked like I could use one! But I politely declined and got back home.

Seriously, I am getting off Tinder and getting on Bunnings! There might be something to it! May be Bunnings should start a Date at Bunnings over a sausage roll day! Okay I know that sounds terrible, maybe they can skip out the sausage roll part!

Who knew a mundane trip to a hardware store would end up being one of the best days of the week for me! I came back with an inflated ego, feeling like a beautiful, desirable woman, my faith in me restored!

I am definitely getting into Bunnings and am going to make sure I need a box of nails, or a screwdriver every week! Might even make an effort to look less like a homeless person next time, although from the look of things, it was not required!


What do I need to feel whole?

Swing on swings with my kids

Lay down on the decking and imagine shapes of clouds as they morph from a horse into a sea dragon into a bowl of spaghetti in the blue sauce ⛅️

Run in the rain 🏃🏽‍♀️

If I had to be honest I think I need to be loved and desired to feel whole again, but a bowl of ice-cream on an extraordinarily balmy spring evening, watching the stars surface up will have to do for now! 🌌


I get myself flowers every so often because I love me

Self-love has always been shunned by our society, and every thought of loving oneself comes with a nagging thought of “Am I a selfish person?”.

Yet how do we expect others to love us and desire us with boundless passion if we cannot love ourselves without feeling shame? When we love ourselves without prejudice, it also helps us see others in a softer light, and we become more accepting of others with their imperfections. I for one would love to live in a world that was more tolerant and less jaded!

So, I get myself flowers from the garden regularly, and every time I see them in a vase in the kitchen, they make me smile. Knowing I deserve to have flowers makes me feel loved! I must credit my boys for this gift of love though, they always bring me wildflowers, or feathers, sometimes rocks, when we go for walks. And that simple gift of thoughtfulness makes my day!

Happiness is not a sign of selfishness; it is a sign that you love being you. When we love ourselves unconditionally, we open ourselves to being loved for who we are and attract into our lives people we need in our lives. Nothing ground-breaking, it’s quantum physics!

These simple acts of waking up to admire the horizon, being grateful for my beautiful life and getting myself flowers has helped me find that elusive stillness in my mind. It has given me the ability to be present in my thoughts and focus on what is good in my life.

All is impermanence, but I feel that if we move with this impermanence, staying true to ourselves, we find our constant. This constant sees us through all the changes in life. I think my constant is happiness, I find happiness in every little crevice of life and build myself from there.

Flowers on my windowsill is a reminder of how colourful and beautiful this world is even on cold, grey, rainy days. They make me smile, and warm up my soul. If you are like me and like flowers, get yourself a bouquet of flowers girl, you deserve to love You!


Mindfulness is so underrated!

I have a restless mind and am always doing something. My friends and family call me a photon, implying I do not have stationary mass. Whilst an overstatement, I do feel I need to learn to be one with myself without the need to be actively engaged in something physical all the time.  

I started yoga and mindfulness a couple of months ago on the insistence of a lovely young man, and that has been life changing. I am acquainting myself with the joys of sipping a cup of tea on the balcony with a delightful beautiful view I have never noticed before. I did not know kookaburras came into suburbia and that they sing so well! Australia has long been known as the Land of Parrots, but I had not noticed the beautiful bright little birds that come and sit on the trees in our backyard and sing.

All I needed was to allow myself to sit down with my cup of tea on the balcony for 5 minutes one day to appreciate these wonders of nature in my own backyard. Now it has become an addiction. I sit here every day, sometimes more than once to allow myself the luxury of just being me. I live in a free world, yet I have spent the last 2 decades depriving myself the basics of soul nourishment.

Do you know that if we sit motionless with our eyes closed and let our minds wander into the sounds and movements around us, just the feeling of wind on one’s face and the chirping of birds in the distance is enough to rejuvenate us?  

I sit under the sun every day, and just soak that golden warmth up, lighting up the very crux of me. That warmth can take me through the lonely dark nights. I sleep! I have not slept for more than 5 or 6 hours a night since forever, yet now I find that I can switch off early at night and wake up at dawn, feeling rested after a good 7 to 8 hours of sleep.  

My skin glows, I am smiling more, and my mind feels calm and okay with the ‘now’. I feel like I am in harmony with the wind howling on my windowpane and sound of rain falling on the metal tiles on the neighbour’s roof.  

I am finally okay with silence, and it is empowering. I do not need to constantly fill voids in other people’s lives with my energy. It is okay for me to just be. It is exhilarating to find a fraction of peace in my heart-center, and I hope I can continue my journey into self-reflection, accept who I am and fall in love with myself one day.  

The thoughts in my head are just as tumultuous as the storm unfolding out there!

Being free, and feeling free are two different things. I think of this today as I lay in bed, watching a feral storm brew outside, feeling so constricted in my own skin!

This holiday period was the most challenging time of the year, and while the rest of Victoria enjoyed restrictions free holidays, I was left more constrained and stuck than I have ever felt. Of course, my car being at the panel repairer’s made it harder, as I couldn’t even go about my usual distractions like scrambling, or going to the beach!

So, I spent my holidays understanding that I have not yet learnt to be okay being alone. I might have been single for almost a year now, but I still feel bound by my walls and inhibitions. I am also realising that whilst I feel I have a plan, and I am ready to move into this new, exciting phase of my life where I am a free to do what I want, what I have yet to learn to do is open my mind to what my life is right now. I find myself craving for what I don’t have, whilst ignoring precious moments that I do spend doing things I love so much!

I burn with the desire to do it all, all at once, and I am not doing anything consciously enough to be doing it right!

The frustration of life not moving exactly at the same pace, and in the exact direction that my thoughts do is an old friend! I am now realizing that I live in the prison of my own mind, where I build castles of wishes and hopes, and expect everyone and everything to get in line! When all I need to do, is go back to the start, learn to just be! I must realise that I have no control over what’s on the other side, all I can do is enjoy my journey!

To be free, I must let go of expectations, and just do everything I do with love and integrity.

I must learn to be patient and trust that the universe works with me, building my new life, bringing everything and everyone that belongs with me into my life at the right time!

Patrick – flowing water

We have been placed in lockdown 2.0, and there shall be no mingling for quite some time. These strange times have seen us all forced into taking the pace of life down a notch. It’s like the Gods all conspired against human race and decided to put us all in time out for our shenanigans.

In this new normal where dating someone has become a distant dream, chatting online has really picked up. Must be hard on men who struggle to communicate with words at the best of times!

I e-met this lovely man Patrick Walsh on tinder, who is a firefighter for half the year and spends the rest of his year travelling the world, building spiritual connections. Patrick is studying trauma counselling and spiritual healing, as he wants to be a healer. Definitely not the kind of man I ever thought I would want date, but it sounds like the kind of thing I need to do. I must take the risk of new and different if I want different results! The critical thinking part of my brain needs a rest while I go out to experience life, so I am saying yes to this experience whatever it may be.

We have been chatting for a few months now and he feels like a kindred spirit.

 Hearing him talk is akin to watching water flow in ebbs. Travelers gain a perspective on life that the rest of us commoners will lack forever. I feel travelling quenches the wanderer’s thirst in us all, and that is what attracts me to this man. I lam a gypsy after all, in the quest of all things life!

Patrick through his kind, playful thoughts reminds me daily that life is not all about PnLs and routines. It is also about just letting go now and then and basking in the rare moments of joy and appreciation. We have spent the last few months talking about so many random things from Donald Trump to fears that trigger human emotions; from how good ice-cream is for our soul to how bad self-doubt is for our hearts!

He is a very intriguing person, who absorbs cultural minutia and becomes a part of it with ease. He has travelled to India a lot and loves the country, perhaps a lot more than I do. He recited the Mul Mantra to me when we talked, I didn’t even know what a Mul Mantra is, until he recited it. It is this quintessential Sikh prayer we are taught as toddlers, and I can recite it and even know what it means but didn’t know what it’s called. I did not expect a Caucasian man to teach me about my own culture. He can talk to such obscure cultural nuances from Italy, Cambodia, and other cultures just the same.

He talked me into giving yoga and meditation a go, and it has been great for my mind, body and soul.  

He is also good for my ego, as he reminds me every other day how beautiful I am. The other day I put up a photo of myself soaking up some sunshine and he wrote “you look like the sunshine you are basking in”. Really hard not to like a man who says things like this!

The simple things in life

I spent my entire Sunday outdoors with the boys, drawing love hearts on the pavement, bushwalking, bird watching and playing tag. It was such a simple day, but the perfect recipe of fun in the sun with the kids and turned out to be one of the happiest days I have had for a long time.

We live a 10 minute walk from our local nature reserve, but it took us about 45 minutes to get there as we had to make a lot of stops to help slugs across the pavement, bury the dead earthworms and to help dying bees die respectfully in the grass instead of getting squashed under someone’s feet. Then there were the chatty Kookaburras around every other corner today, singing their happy songs to passers-by.

A lot of wise people have written numerous books on the power of Now, however I feel the best way to learn about how important it is to be present in the Now is to spend a day with little kids. They are so busy enjoying the moment that what’s gone ceases to exist and the fear of tomorrow doesn’t even get any airtime in their life! That probably explains the radiant skin and unending curiosity for everything life in our young!

The simplest things in life often bring us the most joy, and we almost always overlook this joy, as we are too busy fretting bygones or worrying about the future. I was reminded today of how important it is to just slow down, breathe and let go! It is spring, and my green hilly suburb has brought out the best of spring blooms wherever we look!

I am bushed from the bushwalks (pun totally intended!) and running about, but my soul feels replenished, and I am ready for whatever the week may bring.