Growing pains in my 40’s

I feel a lot happier today! After a really long time, it feels like a weight is lifted! All it took was a change in outlook.

Getting back into running helped clear the fog and remind me that I am more than just a lonely woman!

It made me remember all that I have, that I worked hard to get, and I genuinely felt grateful for having it all after quite a while!

I sat alone for a long time under the sun a couple of days ago as I watched this couple standing on the cross roads, caressing each other’s shoulders with so much love that the kiss they shared after seemed to lack in passion in comparison!

Sat some more as another woman sat on the same bench next to me, lost in her phone, smoking a cigarette, seemingly content!

Everyone around seemed to have their own perfect life which was imperfect from someone else’s point of view! The woman kissing that man did not seem worried that their kiss wasn’t what one could hashtag about, and the young lady next to me didn’t seem to care that she was alone on a beautiful sunny afternoon!

And then it occurred to me, the realisation that somewhere along the way over the last few months, I had become this person who expects from the world, and I was getting more miserable by the day!

That is not my natural form, I am a giver, not a taker! I am an empath who wears her heart on her sleeve, happily sharing myself with the beautiful people I connect with!

I thought of all the friends I have and of how they absolutely love me and would be there for me in a heartbeat, but I don’t call on them!

Because I am enough for me!

Infact I am so much that I always want to share, to spread happiness and bloom in the warmth I spread!

This thought stayed with me for a couple of days and I think the relief of finally letting go of any expectations from anyone took such a weight off, that I slept for 8 hours straight, 2 days in a row!

That’s more than I would usually sleep in a whole week!

So I woke up today, happy with myself, just how I am, accepting that just because I am in love with Edward, doesn’t mean he needs to be! And it also doesn’t mean that I get to build expectations and draw lines in this undefined relationship we have!

Whilst it might be too late to hope that we can go back to that undefined connection we share, where he makes me feel safe, comfortable and warm by just being there, sitting next to me, chattering away about his sports adventures, &, I nurture his insecure little-boy heart; I could atleast let him know that I saw the fault in my ways when I told him he needed to pay more attention!

So, I sent him a kind of an apology, letting him know I value him, a friend who accepts me how I am, with all my weirdness and all!

Most days I would exhaust myself by overthinking his response or lack thereof, this was just me telling him, I acknowledge I have been unfair, and I still value the light he brings into my life!

But I have no expectations, I don’t care if he replies or not! Just the feeling of not having expectations has shut down my overthinking mind, and the relief I feel is second only to the sweet exhaustion after a long run!

Now when I see him next, my heart wont hurt, because I don’t need his validation, and my smile will be intact, and I hope I won’t feel those butterflies I feel in my stomach each time he looks at me, and I will be able to say “hello” like a grown up! Well one can hope 😉