Being free, and feeling free are two different things. I think of this today as I lay in bed, watching a feral storm brew outside, feeling so constricted in my own skin!
This holiday period was the most challenging time of the year, and while the rest of Victoria enjoyed restrictions free holidays, I was left more constrained and stuck than I have ever felt. Of course, my car being at the panel repairer’s made it harder, as I couldn’t even go about my usual distractions like scrambling, or going to the beach!
So, I spent my holidays understanding that I have not yet learnt to be okay being alone. I might have been single for almost a year now, but I still feel bound by my walls and inhibitions. I am also realising that whilst I feel I have a plan, and I am ready to move into this new, exciting phase of my life where I am a free to do what I want, what I have yet to learn to do is open my mind to what my life is right now. I find myself craving for what I don’t have, whilst ignoring precious moments that I do spend doing things I love so much!
I burn with the desire to do it all, all at once, and I am not doing anything consciously enough to be doing it right!
The frustration of life not moving exactly at the same pace, and in the exact direction that my thoughts do is an old friend! I am now realizing that I live in the prison of my own mind, where I build castles of wishes and hopes, and expect everyone and everything to get in line! When all I need to do, is go back to the start, learn to just be! I must realise that I have no control over what’s on the other side, all I can do is enjoy my journey!
To be free, I must let go of expectations, and just do everything I do with love and integrity.
I must learn to be patient and trust that the universe works with me, building my new life, bringing everything and everyone that belongs with me into my life at the right time!