7.6b people on planet earth and I could not have one of them just hold me

I had been lonesome for years, but all the noise and chaos of having to work through a breaking marriage never afforded me the time to feel the loneliness. Now here I was, being my own person, I could be who I wanted to be, do what I wanted to do, and yet all I wanted was a human connection and it wasn’t there.

It’s mirthful, the irony of life!

Sitting down in Hosier Ln, I feel less lonely surrounded by this strange art and folk, than I did sitting at home with the man I made my babies with.

As I look at my hands, starting to look tired of always doing, I wonder when it was the last time that someone held them warmly.

The coffee next to me gets cold, but it never really does warm me up, it always stays, the chill in my soul!

The mirror is so harsh, and smiling is so hard! Invisalign would fix my teeth, but who do I go to for a fix of love?

I must see see the humour in this way of life too, for it is not what has been, but the promise of what I have yet to see that holds my heart!

2 months into the separation a girlfriend asked how I felt about being single again, and I couldn’t answer that. I did not feel like a single woman, I felt bound to my past, I was still living the life of a married woman, albeit without the husband, and had not made the leap. I hadn’t even sought out a date. What was wrong with me? I spent years wishing to be free again and when I finally had that chance, why was I still stuck in my past?

So, I ran and walked, and binge watched Netflix at nights. I talked my girlfriends’ ears off.

Then I was spent, I was done talking about it, and it was time to let go of what had been and find what could be. Being married was all I knew, but it was not all I needed to know. I could choose my next mountain; I could pace my climb!

What I couldn’t do was to sit on my couch all day and expect one of the 7.6b people to knock on my door and sweep me off my feet.

I had been on these dating sites for months, but never really tried to meet someone, just kept making excuses or as my friend says, I was being too critical of what the men I matched with lacked before even meeting them.

I am a 40 year woman, mother of two, a Melbournian, the earliest millennial so whilst I am a technology native, dating has changed much since I was single about 15 years ago. And there’s this little thing called COVID-19 so it’s not like I can go bar-hopping and find a charming man, so online dating it was for me! I really got into it towards the end of July, when the winter nights are so long and cold. To put it mildly, it has been a great learning experience.

There are so many sites, so many acronyms and several underlying dating etiquette. I chatted with so many blokes, it became like a second job! I would put the kids in bed, and spend hours swiping left, an occasional right. Had so many almost coffees before chickening out the morning of.

So, for the first couple of months I just got educated on the tinder speak – demi-sexual Vs sapio-sexual. 420 friendly apparently means they will do weed! Most of them never look like their profile photos and some of them are real creeps!

It has been an amusing lesson in the millennial dating scene, but no dice on finding someone I can go meet.

Published by Nea

I am still trying to work out what I am about, this blog is my journey!

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