Guilt to gratitude

I have always thought that I don’t deserve to be happy. It happens when you grow up with a narcissistic parent who continuously reminds you of how insignificant you are, and then spend a third  of your life with a man who continuously reminds you of how selfish you are because you took longer when you went out for a run than you said you would, or cooked something they don’t like to eat, or wanted to do something they didn’t want to do.  

It becomes an essential part of you to undervalue yourself and feel guilty each time you are happy. That’s right, I have spent more than a decade feeling guilty when I laughed too much, had too much fun, spent my own earnings on myself, because I was trained for decades to believe that I am not worth it. My parent or my ex probably did not mean it, we are all fighting our demons, and they have their own fights.

But I am glad that I had the resilience to walk away from a life that inhibited me. It has been the hardest 2 years of my life, but I found a way to accept that their demons are not mine to fight, and it is okay for me to want to live my best life, it is okay to make mistakes, it is okay to dance in the rain, even if I have two left feet and it is definitely okay to laugh and be happy. 

I now find myself waking up smiling and saying “I love my life, and I am happy! I am loved and desired by those I want in my life”. I laugh freely, listen to music and dance goofily. I run, more than I probably should, but I run because I love how it makes me feel. I smile, all the time, I feel so beautiful, and I feel thankful for feeling like this.  

 It was not a conscious decision, and I feel grateful to the universe for helping me change my guilt over being happy and content to gratitude that I can be a wholesome woman. I can be all of it, or nothing at all! I am happy because I love me!  

Published by Nea

I am still trying to work out what I am about, this blog is my journey!

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